I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
