i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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