took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
