look no pants
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
