Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
