we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
