You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
