Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
