I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
