what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
