I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
COCAINE IS GR8
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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