just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
