my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
