You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
as a side note pls kill me
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
