U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
