Please, let me fuck your mom
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
