dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
