Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
