Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
