everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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