i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
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