If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Someone came in the potted fern
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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