The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
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Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
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Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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