I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
