My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
