I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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