xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
