I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
