I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
