do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
