my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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