shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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