I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
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Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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