this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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