Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
