OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
my poor anus
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
