we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
