i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Randomize
