I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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