you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
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