Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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