I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize