I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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