My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
