in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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