I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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