he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
did you just send me my own nude
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Randomize
