I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
