Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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