Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
