Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
