Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Come share oat with me in your robe
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
