brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
